I'm in my own sideshow

what up?

2004-01-08T00:24:16Z

add my new journal lovelies <3

I wish you would understand..

xlostx @ 2004-01-06T16:30:00

2004-01-06T21:30:39Z

new journal. comment if you want me to add you to it.

someone's always there behind to catch us if we fall..

2004-01-06T20:18:50Z

monday - school was okay. boring day mostly. nothing great happened. pat came over afterschool..which was fun ;0) lol <3 and then he left at 5ish. i spoke to dom alot yesterday. gotta be there for him cause he needs someoen to be there for him.

today - nothign really happened. waiting for pat to come over..and for dom to get home.

im so aggravated though. seriously, im starting to wonder if i can trust pat sometimes. i mean im not afriad hes gonna cheat on me..cause i know he wont but still, who the fuck stays ont eh phoen with their girlfriend's best friend for almost an hour when they tell him they'll be calling him in a few. wtf? i get so irritated that pooch and pat talk, cause pooch doesnt talk to me that much aymore. shes always talkign ot him. ITS SO FUCKING AGGRAVATING!

p.s. im creating a new journal. new year. new journal. <3

mmhmm..it went by so fast <3

2004-01-05T10:53:52Z

vacation was alot of fun. i spent most of it with pat. i spent almost a week with dom. and it was wicked. i had so much fun with everyone, it was great. i was hoping to see my ashley a little more but its alright. i love her so much that im actually looking forward to spanish. hehe.

ahh..3 days till i go away. i leave on Thursday and come back on the 20th. canada..here i come..really nervous and i know imma gonna be shy around everyone especially corey. ahh. wehn i meet him, im gonna be so shyy. he and i have gotten to know each other pretty well. same with ryan.

i know that hwen i go away, im gonna be really nervous about pat being here. cause im be like..he'll cheat on me but i know that ic an trust him. and i know he wouldnt cheat on me. love isnt about cheating.

hopefully i get to see tiffany today. i wanna go to the mall and get last minute stuff though.

oh well..imma go to school...even though i hate it. ill update this more later..yeh prepare for a long ass entry...heh

please don't..lol

2004-01-02T16:15:26Z

new years was so much fun! i spent it w/ amadeus, pat <3, john, dom, big bear, nina, stassi, phil and some other ppl. it was greatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

pat got madd tipsy and it was hysterical. he couldnt keep hsi hands away from me. seirously he awlays had to have his arms around me. he wouldnt leave me out of his sight at all. even when i went to go put some music on. lol. hell, matt was trashed. me and dom were the only sober ones out of the four of us. all though..i think imma drink tonight. :0)

yesterday, i spent teh whole day wtih pat. we cooked dinner together :) and we watched some movies and chilled..mmhmm :) i had alot of fun!

today pats coming over itll he has to go to owrk and yeh..thats it basically <3

Happy New Year's Eve

2004-01-01T02:47:05Z

Chilling W/ Patrick :0)

todays a good day. i woke up at pats and his mommy drove me home :0) shes such a sweetheart, then i got here. amadeus and john came over here at like 2ish? and we chilled. we went to get pat at 330ish and we then went back here and chilled here. john and amadeus left. they got stassi, and they aint comin back for another hour :0(

now..im chillin w/ b i g b e a r and p a t <3 and d o m and l e n i h a n and my brother.

but yeah...pat keeps distracting me from getting alot of stuff done.. ;0)

Happy New Year's Eve

if i look at enough pictures, will you become real?

2003-12-30T14:37:20Z

i'm too much of a wreck. i don't feel too happy and when i do, it goes away shortly. i can have fun yet still be miserable.

pat and i are fighting. over me paying him back. i wish it would stop cause i just cant take it. i told him id pay him back after i go shopping for clothes, my theatre trip, and when i go away.

sunday night was horrible. rachel and nicole didnt come over cause they dindt have a ride till 1030 and that was too late. then pat didnt come over but he then proceeded to come over when alex drove him over here when he sees and knows im completely a wreck. i dont really understand the whole i cant ride my back over there but alex can drive me here thing. i got no sleep that night. i kept waking up, crying, tossing and turning.

monday, i woke up after an hour of sleep. adn fought with pat..over money. i just wish it would stop! at 130, me and my brother matt got ready to go see lord of the rings 3. at 230, my aunt nad uncle picked us up. i must say, GREAT MOVIE!! we then to dinner at Bertucci's. Great food, slow chefs. :0) i came home and proceedly to keep trying to get a hold of my ashley and alex. ashley didnt answer her cell phone but i got in touch with her 15 minutes after i called her which made me happy. whoever picked up alex's cell phone gave me an attitude and hung up on me. then alex kept calling me all night, hey dude can you still hang? yaddda yadda yadda. then alex calls me at 1050 to tell me theyre going to get pat. and im like whose we? and hes like me and ally. and im like alright, you and pat are still invited over if you guys want. did they miss the you and pat part? cause then they proceed to get stephanie abd they all come to my house. and now who said me and pat were fighting? we werent. i was standing there crying and he brought up the whole why am i mad at the he cant ride hsi bike over. so then he left 10 minutes after that...yehh...these have been my nights. so then i called pooch back and spoke to her. which made me happy cause she was very understanding. sorry tiff i never called you back <33

i really miss my mom..and its hard realizing shes gone..whats even harder..is the people you really wnat to be there for you, arent. and it sucks. and it sucks when all you want is just to see pat and try to spend time with him and plans get ruined. oh well. hopefully ill see christina soon..i miss that chick too much <3 and also..im never telling you anything ever again..you know who you are...

if i cry enough, will you come home to me?

2003-12-29T03:37:47Z

mmhmm. i love my ashley and alex. and i must add on how i love lil! i must say last night was alot of fun! :0) alex came by around 730ish and picked me up, then we went to ashleys, and got her and lil. we went to the mall hwere we saw so many ppl! i saw corey which i was so happy to see. we walked around the mall and just chilled. i got 3 new cds. Rammstein, Korn, and Kiss. we took some weird pictures. we hung w/ pooch and ivy nad matt and dan and amadeus and yella and so many otehrs. I GOT SEE DAN! I MISSED HIM SO MUCH! seriously, sometimes school aint the same anymore. cause its not like 6th period, where i can go chill w/ dan, matt nad brian. or go see jason and matt hwenver iw ant like i used to. :0( it mkaes me sad but theres nothing i can do. at least i have a class wiht matt :)

i got to see nipples. him and amadeus got mad at me cause im moving and they were finding it so unfair but i was like what am i supposed to do? ya know? hehe. what else happened...hmm..we went to sears parking lot and drove around. ashley and lil drove! im so proud of you girlies! lol <3

today, i went to my grandparents house. and it was okay. i cried laot cause theres pictures of my mom all over the place and i got to talk to my aunt lisa. which i was so overly happy with cause shes helping me through it. i got alot of gifts :0) and my grandma bought me stockings

tomorrow nad tuesday should be highly eventful and hopefully fun

my tears are dried out..yet i still miss you <3

2003-12-26T19:28:44Z

alright...

saturday (12/21) was hanukah for me and my dad's side of the family. i got some pretty good stuff. $100, a $75 gift card to roosevelt field, 2 puddle of mudd cds, 2 pantera cds, nad these clothes that i returned. i got to see my stina and she did my makeup all nice and pretty. shess uspposed to come out here..i was hoping shed come out here on monday..btu she cant :0( i miss you stina <3 we got to talk about alot of stuff. teh good ole days, how much smoking had/has an impact on us, how much we've been through, it was great. i love this chick <33 then later on that night, pat came over, and slept over. dom came over also.

sunday (12/22) pat came back over after work. dom came over also. we chatted and then we just chilled, we went to the pizzeria, and just chilled out. pat slept over again.

monday - dom, me nad pat went to the pizzeria. then pat went to work i think..no, wait he had off. lol. im so confused! lol we chilled around and walked around hicksville, talked, played video games,etc. pat slept over again. we chilled till like midnight, i felt so bad. dom was having troubles w/megan where me and pat helped him out soo much!! i also saw my cousin angel and ralph. they took mea nd my brother to two brothers for some good pasta and pizza. :) i got a cute watch and $25 from them.

tuesday - pat and everyone went uptot he pizzeria. then pat left for work. me and dom chilled at my house till around 6:30ish where alex came and got us. we went to the mall then left to go get ashley and some wendys lol. we then went to the mall, got tiffany, then got pat and we chilled. alex dropped me nad dom and pat off at pats house so he can go drop off ashley...;) mm ashley so what happened ;) lol pat slept over again! :-P

wednesday - pat left, so it was just me and dom chilling for the day. we played some scrabble. megan broke up with him. pat told me how some fucking mary chick likes him..better not meet the girl..ill rip her throat out...lol dom left. and it was just me chillign the night alone lol.

thursday ( CHRISTMAS ) - ahh boring and interesting. i woke up, i got a pretty dragon candle holder, ill take a picture of it with my digital camera, and i got a gift card for sam goody from my daddy. i didnt do much. i dotn get any gifts really until sunday when i see grandma and all them. i can't wait to see my grandma. i sletp over pat's house and..

now here i am still at pats, wiating for my dad to call ym cell to let me knwo wahts going on cause im supposed to go to lauren's house and the mall w/ lauren. in a way, i cant beleive tiffany decided to go see tony today when she knew we all had palnst ogether cause its kinda unfair but i derno what i can say though. whatever. im just happy i get to see lauren finally :0)

Stina + Sammi
the crazy two
no one can seperate us
i love you <3

meow..

2003-12-18T22:53:29Z

pat and i got back together. :) but im still miserable. like yeah, i dont know..but im not looking forward to christmas. maybe ill see my poochie on christmas. that would be the best :) but i dont know..christmas is ognna be sad this year...cause my mommy is gone...tara :0( how will we deal???

lookin forward to going to canada in january..found out my trip is the day before i leave..hahahahahahahaha!

hey hey

2003-12-16T11:11:12Z

hey im sam. whats up? ive been down for a year or 3. i dont keep track anymore. heh. how you all are doing aiight. i hope to go to a gathering sometime in the future. never been able to go to one cause im damn poor and for me, its alotta work. :0(

i wish january was here already.....

2003-12-14T15:56:21Z

i got gifts so far for these ppl:

- Trent
- Erica
- Ellen
- Amy
- Conor
- pat's not getting a gift
- Desi
- Rena
- Tiffany
- Danielle
- Pooch
- Part of Mg's
- Lauren

pat broke up w/ me last night. i dont want to discuss it. cause im sick of this shit. always fighting with him. argh! fuck this shit! ill just go give his sister's their gifts and thats it.

im so excited to go to canada though. and i think trent will come and visit me alot. and i cant wait ill be home in time to possibly see trent since hes coming here to new york again :0)

but seriously though i can not wait to go to canada. i get to meet this realyl cool ppl : Josh, Jamie, Ryan, Corey, and Nick. Corey, Jamie, Josh and Ryan are my age and their so awesome! we have alot in common. and nick is my dad's girlfriend's son! hes 19, into the same stuff as i am and he challenged me to soul calibur fights! lol im gonna hvea alot of fun. ryan keeps asking me if im gonna hook up with josh and im like i dont know. this is my motto: whatever happens, happens.

hmm....so im single. its weird saying it. lol <33

Pierced from below, souls of my treacherous past

2003-12-13T19:48:21Z

dinner w/ kate was awesome. i love the girl so much. shes so terrific. we talked about alot and it was great :0) thanks kate <33

yesterday, went ot eh mall w/kris nad raven. i saw matt and jason and jason and ryan. <333 matt youre so adorable. i was hysterical. i saw nicoleeeeeee! she wants to be stoed in my carry on bag to come wiht me to canada. its hysterical <333

now im doing nothing.

i got gifts so far for these ppl:

- Trent
- Erica
- Ellen
- Amy
- Conor
- Pat
- Desi
- Rena
- Tiffany
- Danielle
- Pooch
- Part of Mg's

i sitll have to get like 6 more presents.

misery..keeps coming back...

2003-12-11T23:09:04Z

i hung out with raven on monday.
tuesday did nothing. but then went to pats :)
wednesday pat came over.
today raven and dom came over :)

and now im waiting for kate to come get me for dinner :)

..:( i had to explain to my moms best friend that my mom is dead..you know how much that sucks?

yeh..finaly updating?

2003-12-08T00:36:23Z

monday i slept at pats

tuesday, i went to school until 3rd period. then got out w/tiff and went home to tiffs house after going ot the diner and the mall..then came home to my house

wednesday - was my moms wake. so many ppl showed up. but everyone can see i was a wreck. my mom looked like a fucking manequin doll. i wanted to just see her get up and smile at me and hug me and say how much she loves me. but she didnt. and it hurt.

thursday - john, pooch, amadeus, and tiff and some others skipped school, alot of ppl came to the church ot say good bye and stuff. i appreciate it so much. im thinking of calling my cousin ali later to talk to her cause i miss her.

friday - went to school...spoke ot shera. mianly walked around the school. and like usual, the security guards dont give a fuck..

yeh today i wetn to the mall. thats about it. im gonna go sit and cry now. good-bye..

R.I.P. Mommy
April 19, 1957 - December 1st, 2003
they took you away from me too soon...
i love you so much and our time was so little

shes...dead..

2003-12-02T23:19:59Z

last night my mom passed away...

we were meant to live for..

2003-11-29T05:29:51Z

mmhmm...today was so boring. i basically did nothign but stay home, but rob took me and matt out for lunch and shiz. i got two new books. im returning one tomorrow. but i like the sequel to witch child.

i got these people's gifts so far:
- Erica
- Conor
- Desi
- Rena
- Amy

i have to get so many more! argh!

if you want a christmas card from me, email me or leave a comment! <33

away from me..

2003-11-28T03:49:43Z

thanksgiving will never be the same cuase rob is here. and hes just an asshole..argh..ill get into that later.

i`m thankful for:
1) my boyfriend pat
2) my family that i consider of my freinds
3) my freinds
4) my music

lately everythign sucks. img etting sick of everything. i might see my dad on saturday :-) so im happy about that.

have i mentioned that ive become even more closer to being kicked out? as much as i love my mom, it hink her love for rob has taken over her. seriously. cause theyre both accusing me of telling my dad that rob is a freeloader. im sorry but he is but i didnt tell myfather that. oh and did i mention how i get grounded now for almost everything? i got groudned for answering my phone when i wanst supposed to..whats next? me getting grounded for walking out the door or not liking rob? i found out my grandma loves me but doesnt like me. so i see no point in going next weekend to my grandmas unless kris and zach are gonna eb around cause then ill go. cause im really sick fo this bullcrap.

im getting into more fights. my eyes burn cause ive cried so much..and argh..i wonder why ppl are so set on me and pat breaking up? :-(

..i hope i get to see keith sometime soon. cause its not fun talking to him online that much. cause it gets uncomfortable. cause its hard cause i think we're both afraid of saying somethign that pat will find uncomfortable..argh!

i really need to see kris..just to get his hug and to talk to him will make me smile...

i dont know what to do...

2003-11-21T04:40:04Z

argh..tonights been horrible. just horrible. ive been so down adn crying so much..argh just sitting makes me wanna cry.

i think my uncle and grandmother are dying. i seriously think they are. my uncle just had knee surgery and now he has prostate cancer..=( and i mean i saw my grandmother otnight, and she looked so sick and so tired. it made me so sad. i mean im sitting here thinking all the deaths in my life. it was just last year on thanksgiving my cousin jimmy passed away. last september, my cousin vera passed away. 2-3? years ago, my grandmother died. i mean ive been through deahts all my life..and to think to go for these two, id be a wreck.

i mean ive grown up listening ot my uncle philly about jokes and the world. i love his jokes. theres nothing better than to sit down wiht him at a famiyl party, or a stop by or a phone convo and to tell jokes. there really isnt. id be so sad if he was gone.

and my grandma, ahh. if she died, it hink id go in her grave. ive never been good with deaths. never. i still cant get over my other grandmother's death. it makes me sad to see my grandma nad wonder if shes dying cause she has such an impact on my life..im so proud of her..

meow... =(

2003-11-20T04:50:36Z

nothing really has been going on..just ppl suck alot lately. im thinking of cahing my lj account, my email account, and ive already cahnged my screenname.

pat and i almost broke up last night =( i dont really wanna get into it. it mainly has to dow tih keith and tiffany although not as much keith as it does with tiffany..

this weekend should be fun. friday - hanging with my girl rachel, then going ot pats for thw eekend. saturday, going out to mary grace's and then going to chill with pat some more..i derno what we are gonna do saturday and sunday. but whatever happens happens lol.

bored outta my mind...heh...blah...

[ bliss - thanks alot <3 ]

we kissed in the light of the camera lol

2003-11-16T04:26:52Z

nothing much is going on. me and pat are doing wonderful. but lately ive been just so down and been hiding it :( i just feel like drowning myself in a bath

today mary grace and i wnet out to the mall with my mom, rob nad pat. then pat went to his dads. and me and everyone else came home. and me and mary grace, dom and matt and lil matt chilled. then dom left. then big bear came over. and he just left along w/ lil matt. it was alotta fun. me and mg almost kissed..lol haha jk! but i touched her boobs! lol

<3 so bored..so sad

rachel, grace, and bri, i need your addys i wanna mail you christmas cards!

David Draiman: The voice: You are
intellectual, spiritual, soulful, insightful,
philosophical, goal-oriented and never
satisfied.

You are DISTURBED.

Your quote: "My brothers, my sisters, my
blood.... SPEAK TO ME!!!!"

Which Member of Disturbed Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

its HARD enough to hear your best friend cry, imagine to see her cry?

2003-11-10T01:44:51Z

this week has been rough..

monday - no one slept over..went out..watched everyone get drunk except for pat, shockingly i didnt drink...but yeah that was it.

tuesday - nothing really happened, chilled with pat the whole day i think

wednesday - keith came over<3 and it was fun. we chilled, played tony hawk 1 & 2, listened to music, talked about alot of stuff, etc. we ate dinner together. amadeus and koog came over and started up with me. they went searching through my house. keith got pissed by it, but being smart didnt do anything about it cause he knows i would have been sad if there was a fight in my house!

thursday - did nothing. chilled w/ pat and tiffany. watched the lion king. cried at that movie. that was basically it

friday - listened to pooch cry and then went to the mall w/ pat and mg and carl. chilled with alot of ppl i know and shiz lyke that..

saturday - dont wanna discuss it :0(

sunday - nothing really..wetn out with my dad and chilled with pat. and listened to pooch cry :0(

its rough seeing your best friend cry and hearing her cry. tomorrow pooch is gonna go to christina's funeral..and then shes coming over after school and pats gonna be here but hes gonna go away for an hour just so me and her can chill and talk. its gonna be rough seeing my best friend cry. :0(

stolen from Bittersweetskyx..soemthing liekt hat lol!
Twiztid
1. Are you male or female?: Dirty Lil' Girl
2. Describe yourself: White Trash With Tat-2's
3. How do some people feel about you?: Something Weird
4. How do you feel about yourself?: U Don't Wanna Be Like Me
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Your The Reason
6. Where would you rather be?: Where its GOing Down
7. Describe what you want to be: Maniac Killa
8. Describe how you live: Empty
9. Describe how you love: fuckonthefirstdate
10. Share a few words of wisdom: WE DONT DIE!

R.I.P. Christina C. 11*07*03...life will never be the same again..angels will look over you <33

Does your pussy give head? - Vic

2003-11-03T02:52:49Z

heyy! eek! this past weekend has been the best. seriously. anyone whose been with me this weekend could tell ya!

halloween - i came home w/ andrea and mg, we all got ready, pat come over and we headed out, met up w/ frankie, dom, and lil matt and walked around. then frankie had to bring his brother home and dom went to go find his brother and megan. we all met up again adn then got seperated again. then we all went to andreas house adn chilled and came ot my house. big mac, amadeus and mark came by. i love mark's car. its hott! rebecca nad martha and my brother acme with us to walk around in levittown. we had alot of fun there. me and mary grace caught up on a lot of things. we then made plans for saturday.

saturday - me, mary grace, matt and pat went to go see texas chainsaw massacre. now me and mary grace proudly admit, movies rarely scare us. we both are pretty good with horror movies. but we are never seeing texas chainsaw massacre again! NEVER! we were both a wreck afterwards. throught out the whole movie, i was crying. i was shit scared. i cant beleive someone would do something like that. its horrible. it really is. then we went to pat's house after walkinga round and watched teh rocky horror picture show while making jokes. then we all set up xbox, and ps2 and played video games. brought all our stuff downstairs and then at 12 am we went to the diner and ate food. walked around for a bit. and then went back into the basement nad fell asleep at like 5 in the morning.

sunday - matt woke up at 11 nad left.me and mary grace and pat all hung around, got dressed nad walked down wtih matt's stuff to hsi work. then we all went ot go to get breakfast at strathmore's and then the 3 of us left matt at work, went ot block buster. rented cruel intentions 2. and then wnet to his house and watched it. mg then left. me and pat chilled upstairs playing video games. pat nad i left his house at like 5ish to go to my house and eat taco bell then we wnet to pooch's, from there, we went to matt's house to go get him, john and eddie. eddie ended up not being there. we met up wtih vic, joey, and landell. adn we all chilled. steve came by. i was ognna see if he could give mea ride home but he ended up not coming back before i left. but it was alot of fun. we hung out by lenny's, and the dairy barn and 7-11.

it was a fun weekend. i think marygrace and pooch are sleeping over tomorrow night. not sure. <3 thanks everoyne ofr a fun weekend. ::smiles all around::

HaPpy HalloWeeN

2003-10-31T11:20:43Z

erica its our holiday<3

this weeek has been good<3 i guess. monday and tuesday ill type about later. wednesday was fun. i spent the day with frankie, keith, andrea, and pat.

yesterday was me and pat's one month. he bought me the cutest thing. i have a picture of it that imma post up here. tonight is halloween. full of parties <3 imma go and get ready for school. lots of pictures from tonight =)

argh!

2003-10-27T02:36:15Z

i swear if people actually read this and get a better understanding of me, then woah im in amazement! cause i swear no one listens to me.

i HATE my life hate hate hate hate hate hate it i don't think anyone knows how much i hate it. i hate how people dont seem to listen much because if they did, they wouldnt bother me so much about things when i say i dont want to talk. cause i mean alright, i know pat's family doesnt like me that much. i dont think his mom likes me much anymore. i know his dad and step mother and aunts and yeah dont like me anymore. and i know pat was mad at me for it. and like im sorry if i dont make good impressions, i cant help it. i am who i am. i dont sleep much anymore so i apologize for sleeping most of hte itme yesterday. sheesh. i cant helpt aht factor. my body is always tired lately. and it just wont go away. i know i talk about anthony and keith alot, but there are times where there are things that happen that remind me sooo mcuh of things that have happened with them. and it doenst help when anthony still interferes with my life.

and i mean i dont think people realize how much i miss kris. seirously. hes my best freind. the one person id call up immediately nad say guess what? im not a virgin anymore. cause i know hed be like way to go sam or hed at least talk to me. if i called him and said kris, i need tot alkto you, i knwo hed stop and listen. and thats because he acutalyl listens and helps me out.i really wish that i lived a few blocks away from him again cause i saw him everyday then. i didnt have to worry abotu calling him to say i wanna see you cause i didnt have the need to. everyone else gets to see their best freinds and the people they want to basically whenever they want. but i dont. i cant call kris up and be like hey can you chill, cause hes too busy wtih work and football. thats why i look forward to days we have off more than just getting away from school cause i hope more than ever to see him cause its not fair that i dont get to see him. its just not fair.

and i mean if people actually listened, then they would understand that i hate my life more cause i hate that my brother gets in my face constatnly. ever since my mom and rob told him to grow balls, hes been screaming at me, bitching at me, yelling at me and i hate it. it doesnt help me at all.

it doesnt help that my dads a prick and his family doenst care about me. it really doesnt. i just wish everything was back to the way it was. when i lived in queens and was skinny and felt pretty, i saw kris and zach everyday, my mom and dad weres till together and we were all happy and my grandmother wasnt dead.....